Dreaming of a Pensieve...

How does it happen? I turn around, and she’s changed. I go to get her from her crib in the mornings, and she’s changed. Each day is just a breath and it’s gone.

If you know me at all, you know I’m a perfectionist who has trouble letting go of expectations of myself. That’s why God gave me Chase. When he comes home and asks what I did, he’s generally more pleased to hear that I took a nap than that I got the dishes done. Not that he doesn’t like clean dishes – he does. But he knows the value of and encourages for me, much more than I do for myself, time spent simply enjoying the little things in life.

It’s got me thinking about time, lately. Here we are, already at January 10^th (correction, January 11 – the clock just turned over from 11:59pm to 12:00am.), and 2012 is already flying by. I’m working a little, keeping up around the house, failing miserably at my one New Year’s resolution (to menu plan and cook at least 4 meals a week – how hard can that be?!?), and generally trying to get into some sort of routine. I just put Lily to bed, and as she slumped sleeping over my shoulder, I cradled her and tried to capture the moment.

Oh, I know. It’s impossible to do. Here I am 5 minutes after experiencing it, and already the feel of the experience is gone. But I know that 16 years from now as she drives away, by herself, in the car, I’m going to think back to these days and wonder where the time went. And 19 years from now, when we drop her off at college, I’m going to hug my baby and cry over her shoulder – a cruel role reversal from what we experience now.

I can tell you it was wonderful tonight – her little body totally relaxed against mine. I could lay my cheek on hers and snuggle her close, but not close enough. She simply melted into me – a perfect fit with her mommy. She felt so innocent, so trusting, so completely comfortable that she was absolutely passed out cold in the best kind of way. It was wonderful. I want to experience it again, but for some reason, God made time linear, so I can’t.

I can never have that exact moment again, nor this one for that matter. It’s critical that each moment is well-spent. Maybe that’s why I’m a perfectionist and why I have such high expectations of myself. I feel the weight of each minute as it passes, and I want desperately to spend each one well, to make the most of the limited time I have on this earth, to not miss any special moment with my family because it can never be had again. But how can one have special moments if the dishes aren’t done, and the laundry not folded, and the list goes on…

I thought, as I held Lily, that it’s a shame we don’t have a Pensieve (a method to relive memories) as Dumbledore does in the Headmaster’s office at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series. Someday I will wish to relive these moments of sweetness. But then, I thought, if I had a Pensieve, I would relive old memories rather than making new memories each moment. Having a method of reliving the past would soon make the value of the present fade, because I might become consumed with my past.

I guess, thanks to the lack of a Pensieve, I’ll not be consumed with the past. I’ll try to treasure each moment and spend it wisely. I’ve heard it said that time is the most valuable commodity any of us have – but we cannot trade it. We have only what we have and not a second more.

But thankfully, we have the technology to enjoy pictures and video, so I’ll close with a few Christmas pictures that capture moments – snapshots of our lives that will help us remember these days that will soon go by. Special thanks to Kathy for taking some family and festive pictures for us!