Some thoughts on Mommyhood

So I've now been a mom for all of 12 days, and it's time that I put down in words some things that someday I'll want to remember that I felt. It's taken me this long to sit down at the computer because my emotions were simply too overwhelming. This little being that grew inside of me for 9 months has now emerged, and I can see her face and know her personality and share her with the world. It is glorious. And it is heart-wrenching.

You see, my baby girl only gets to be 12 days old for a single day - today - and each moment she spends not in my arms or wrapped in my gaze are moments of her life that I miss. I didn't anticipate that. And at 12 days old, I can already see she's changed. Not only has she well-surpassed her birth weight and grown over an inch longer; she is also adding chub to her cheeks and working on developing a 2nd chin (both physical signs of her voracious appetite. This girl does not mess around when it comes to eating). I have LOVED her tininess. I have LOVED her newborn looks. I have LOVED being her mom each day. And now each day I have to let her grow up a little.

That sounds so stupid to write, but it's true. Each day I have to let go of a little bit of her that I'll never get to experience again, because we're going on to the next day. I'm so proud of her for every little thing she does... and pretty much all she can do is eat and sleep and poop and burp (and, boy, can she ever burp when she wants to! She had one that practically echoed in her room last night!). I think that has been the hardest realization I've had thus far as a mom. I only get each day once, so I'd better make the best of each one.

Then there are moments I'm so glad I'm not the one holding her. Take, for example, what I found the first few days when I'd get out of the shower in the mornings:

Lily and her Daddy, crashed on the couch for a mid-morning nap. What a wonderful sight! So precious and so peaceful. I'm so thankful and feel so blessed to have a man by my side who can hardly leave us to go to work each day. He can't stand to hear his baby girl cry (so it's extra good that she's not a fussy baby!). And when he gets home from work the first thing he does is wash the dirt of the day off his hands so he can cuddle his little Lily. It brings tears to my eyes as I type. What a privilege to catch a glimpse of moments like the one above - a daughter cradled securely in her father's arms.


And then there are moments like the one above - my grandma holding my daughter. This Christmas I hope to get a "4-generations" photo of my grandma, my mom, me and my daughter. My grandparents came last week to see the newest addition to the family. Precious and tiny, Liliana charmed them in no time. Grandpa said as they left, "That sure is a quiet baby!" And she is. She's perfect.


This is what I see if I look just a little to my left right now. Lily is napping in her Boppy, snuzzled up in her blankies. I smile when I look at this picture, because it looks to me like she's holding up her hand gesturing that I shouldn't take the picture - it's just so hard being this cute ALL the time - sometimes I should take a break from showing her off... but I can't help myself. :)


As a mom, I wonder what my daughter will be like as she grows up. Will she love reading? Will she have curly hair like me? Will she want to move to the big city? Will she want to stay close to her mommy forever? Will she be a daddy's girl? (...As if there's really any question about that. The answer is YES!). The above picture I took to show off Lily's nails. She was born with beautiful, long, white-tipped nails that were practically ready for their first French manicure. I'm not even kidding! I couldn't bring myself to clip them for over a week, but she'd scratch herself, so I had to keep her in mittens or shirts with extra long sleeves. I have naturally strong, long nails too, so it looks like, so far, that she'll have my nails. I just hope she doesn't inherit my terribly soft teeth!

And this is bath time... Bath time after we figured out how to do bath time well. Notice the heater in the upper right hand corner of the picture that keeps her towel warm. Also notice that she isn't crying? Yeah. This was her 3rd bath, by which time I'd figured out how to keep her happy and content during most of the experience. Is there anything in the world more wonderful than a freshly bathed baby?

Sometimes I just look at my little bundle of wonders and I am overcome with emotion. I cry. I know it's probably still postpartum hormone changes that make me extra weepy right now, but she's just so beautiful and perfect. I hate to think of anything or anyone bringing her harm or hurting her. I can't protect her forever. But for now I can, and I will.

So if you ask to hold her and I seem hesitant, or if I ask you to use hand sanitizer before I'll relinquish her, or if I simply won't let you take her out of her car seat but instead ask that she stay in it, just know that I'm doing these things because this is my baby. Liliana is my girl to protect, she's mine to watch over. And while I may not do it the way you want or think I should, I am Lily's mommy, and as far as my Lily-girl is concerned, I do everything perfectly for her. Why do I do everything perfectly for Lily? Because I am her mommy and nothing and no one will ever change that.