Let's Start the Bidding!

So Steph keeps telling me that I really should write the blog posts more often, and my common response is that I simply don't know what I'd write about. After all, as the male half to this little dime-sized bundle of nausea, there's not a whole lot I can do at this point but wait. It's really quite vexing. But I have no reason to eat the right foods (as evidenced by my plate of chicken nuggets I ate tonight compared to Steph's plate of asparagus). It doesn't help one bit if I drink the doctor recommended 27 gallons of water each day like she's supposed to (in fact, that just increases the odds that the toilet seat gets left up more frequently than it already is). Heck, I can't even surprise her with the (very) occasional meal preparation because, odds are, it won't sound good to her anyway (plus I'm doubtful that the nutrition value of hot dogs and mac & cheese is quite what the midwife ordered).

So instead, I'm relegated to either reminding her of all the food she SHOULD be eating or water she SHOULD be drinking (which is, in turn, hazardous to MY health), or else I can do the dishes. Unfortunately for me, the guilt which compels me to do this occurrs simultaneously with when she's trying to eat 673 small meals per day, resulting in no fewer than 673 plates and miscellaneous utensils. Honestly, I didn't realize we even HAD this many dishes. It's just out of control.

Yet recently, it has come to my attention that there is, in fact, something else I can do, which brings us to why I'm here.

You see, after the past couple of trips to Babies 'R Us and the baby department at Walmart, I've become painfully aware that having a baby is kind of expensive. Really, really, a lot kind of expensive. Now, the plus side (as I understand it) is that you get these baby showers where sympathetic people (not entirely unlike you kind, generous, good-looking folks who so diligently read this blog) buy us...I mean buy Little Bit stuff which he will invariably want--pacifiers, baby clothes, booties, season football tickets to the Huskers--you know, the essentials. However, I've known quite a few babies in my day, and I'm not aware that these gift-giving events continue after the birth of the baby. Now I might be mistaken, but I think this Little Bit is going to continue to cost money even after he is born (we're meeting with the tax guy in a week or two and I'll check it with him, but I'm like 90% sure kids still cost money after birth). Doubtless you can appreciate my conundrum here. So I've decided to get a little creative with this whole process.

Welcome to the Little Bit Bidding War.

(Frankly, I don't know why someone hasn't thought of this sooner. THIS is the type of idea that should be in these pregnancy journals! This could really catch on!)

So it occurred to me the other day that there are so many decisions to make, and so many of them are trivial that it's really quite unnecessary for us to hoard the joy of making these all by ourselves when we could involve you, the adoring public, and sell these very decisions to the highest bidder. It's truly the opportunity of a lifetime.

So without further adieu, let's take a look at what remarkable opportunities are on the docket:

Silent Middle Naming Rights--While I know putting Little Bit's first name up for auction would likely garner a greater windfall, I can't risk my firstborn getting beat up at school every day because some rich moron wanted to commemorate his dead dog Sargent Scruffy. It's just not happening people. But think how much cooler having a silent middle name in your honor would be? Sure, it won't be on the birth certificate, and no one will know that's actually the middle name, but you'll know, and that's gotta be worth something (hopefully at least a grand).

Baby Furniture Naming Rights--Can't afford to purchase a Silent Middle Name? How about having the crib named after you? A rocking chair perhaps? Or, if you prefer to go about it from another direction, you could always name the changing table or diaper disposal after that old nemesis you always wanted to take revenge on. Just think how gratifying it would be to know that Yours Turly will be smearing baby feces all of that Bill Callahan Changing Table every time I try to change an overstuffed diaper before tossing it into the mouth of the Steve Pederson trash can? Does it get any better than that?

But wait! The bidding doesn't stop there! Why not go that extra mile and invest in the child's learning? As not only a first-time know-it-all parent, but also a Master's level counselor who was taken (and promptly forgotten) literally dozens of facts about developmental psychology, I expect to have almost complete control of Little Bit's every whimsy. How can this be of financial benefit you may ask? Well as behaviorist John Watson pointed out:

"Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in, and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select--doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors."

See that? This kid will only know what we elect to teach him! Want his first words to be your name? That can be arranged. Want Little Bit to call his blanket "Carl" instead of "Binkie"?? Just place your bid. And for those of you bidding on a budget, consider purchasing naming rights to individual fingers or toes (nails auctioned separately)! After all, who says all ten have to be called "piggies"?

Yes, with just a little generosity and a lot of hard work, this child can be a living monument to you, oh highest bidder. But place your bets soon! You never know when this offer might expire (although I'd guess it will be immediately following whenever Steph finds out I posted this).

So do me a favor, won't you? Invest in my child's life today.